Monday, July 28, 2014


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Boozing rules

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot:
    Great, now I'm going to get drunk.
    I hate shots.
    It's coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing- urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If your are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious, brandy makes you belligerent.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but ..."
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of of these rules by your fifth drink.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

So I was in a bar the other evening, when I noticed these two very large ladies with odd British accents.
"Hello ladies," says I, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot! It's WALES!" says one of them.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry! Are you two whales from Scotland?"
I should be out of traction in six months.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Shakespeare would be so happy

Scary as hell

Natal Curry Eating Contest. A tongue in cheek look at our taste buds

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 -- SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the  flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY # 2 -- PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 -- SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 -- BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 -- LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 -- VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 -- SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 -- NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 -- No Report.

From Blom.

Thongs ... you're doing it wrong

A good reason for drinking beer

Beware!!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I'm back!

It's been almost a month since I lasted posted anything on Kitten Tumour, for which my apologies. October 2011 will go down in history as being one of the roughest I've had to deal with. Anyway, I'm back and I've got a bumper edition of Kitten Tumour humour for all you fans. Enjoy it!

It's all about the paperwork

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband".
He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches into her handbag, pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

from Gerallt

Reflections on reproduction


So much for having something to live for ...

Video games: not like they were back in my day

Arb jokes

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!   B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield: 3.14159265 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death…..

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "mick i'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"sod that" says mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums............
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him....."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
I presume she was poor, she only had £1.20 in her purse.

from Gerallt

Perfectly placed photos



True colours revealed at last

Wow I'm so jealous

Thursday, October 6, 2011

What are friends for?

Complete Idiot's Guide to How Not To Get Roofied

Kitten humour





Walk Naked in South Africa Day

Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 PM, all South African women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic South African men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The South African government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

From Gerallt.

The devil made him do it

Dave was staring sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the landlord, "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."
"It's my four-year-old son," Dave replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My lad's just the same. Forget about it, it happens to boys that age," said the landlord sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," continued Dave, "but it's far worse. The little sod has got our gorgeous 18-year-old next door neighbour pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord.
"It's not," said Dave, "the little devil stuck a pin in all my condoms."

From Gerallt.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Wait, are you sure?

Female computers?

Iron man competition

Zimbabwean eggs

Two Zimbabweans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Manchester. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.  A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Zimbabweans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Zimbabweans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so he floors the pedal and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Zimbabwean eggs." The blonde lady cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.  She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate back-up from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20,000 Zimbabwean eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle!"

From Gerallt.

No longer confused

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these institutions:

South African Revenue 'Service'
South African Postal 'Service'
Telkom telephone 'Service'
South African Police 'Service' 
Civil 'Service'
MTN / VODACOM / Cell C / VIRGIN / DSTV Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!!  It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.  

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Be very very frightened ...

The ultimate sacrifice

One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed little Andrew standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small flags mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Andrew."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Andrew's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service ... the 8:30 or the 10:00?"

From Gerallt.

You're completely right ...


... this is every bit as scary as it looks.

I want one too!

Difficult question

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The world's first successful bum lift


Her cosmetic surgeon must be so proud ...

Geek pick up lines

Get yer geek on ...

You had me at "Hello World."

You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.

My 'up-time' is better than BSD.

Are you an angel, because your texture mapping is divine!

You've stolen the ASCII to my heart.

You got me stuck on Caps Lock, if you know what I mean.

How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?

Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?

Your beauty rivals the graphics of Doom 3.

You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable.

I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.

Want to see my Red Hat?

If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

You put the SPARC in my workstation.

You make my software turn into hardware!

Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com?

I'd switch to emacs for you.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a chatroom like this?

No, that's not a Logitech MX-100 in my pants, but thanks for noticing.

Nice Set of floppies!

I think you could be an integral part of my project life cycle.

If you have an empty slot, I have the card to fill it.

Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

I'd like to play on your laptop.

Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access.

If you were an ISP I'd dial you all day long.

I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video.

I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen.

Your homepage or mine?

Hey Baby, Let me hack your kernel

No, that's not an iPod mini in my pocket. I'm just happy to see you.

Computer techs have skilled fingers if you know what I mean

Want to come see my HARD Disk? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.

Need me to unzip your files?

How about we go home and you handle my exception?

From Tab.

Be very very scared ...

You think ... ?

Feel the love

Monday, September 26, 2011

Seaman John

Men & women

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use in a day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband turned to his wife and said, "What?"


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The man was about to go away on a business trip and realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'"

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
From Gerallt.

Catholic girls ...

iPhun triple play