Basic rules for cats who have a house to run

GUESTS

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most and sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'n Glop on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select a fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white furred cats go to black wool clothing, dark-furred cats to lighter colors, etc. For a guest who claims "I LOVE kitties", be ready to act with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you allow me on the table when company isn't here!"

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to DO anything, just sit there and stare.

DOORS

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs, hammer with your forepaws and yowl loudly. Once the door is opened, it is NOT necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door open, stand halfway out and think about several things. This is particularly important

during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

WORK

If one of your humans is busy and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", also known as hampering. The rules for helping are as follows:

For book readers, get close in under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

The same rules apply for reading a newspaper, with the added benefit of being able to easily crumple the paper with your claws. With practice, you will be able to immediately lie on whichever article your human is reading without having to think about it.

When supervising cooking, sit behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, and then picked up, consoled and fed tidbits.

For knitting projects, curl quietly into the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needle sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spill the yarn. You can also snag your claws in the wool for variety. The knitter may try to distract you with a ball of scrap yarn. Ignore it. Remember the aim is to HAMPER work.

CHAIRS AND RUGS

If you have to throw up, get to a chair or bed quickly. If you cannot manage it in time, an Oriental rug or a shag will suffice. Make sure to shed as much fur as possible on the chair or Oriental carpet. Hair that is allowed to fall onto the floor is wasted!

PLAY

This is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing "catch mouse" or king of the hill on your human's bed between 2:00 and 4:00 AM. Also, during the night is the best time to bring in a dead mouse as a present. It can be left somewhere useful like a slipper for your human's foot to find first thing in the morning.

Begin people training early. You will soon have a smoothly running household.

They can be taught if you start early and are consistent!