Thursday, March 31, 2011

Letters from hell

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good wife to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk lingerie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your favourite soccer team. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want to cuddle or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Cape Town together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soccer matches so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a new hairstyle last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a prostitute!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked "my favourite meal", you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating prawns 7 years ago, even then that was only to impress you.

About that new silk lingerie: I turned away from you because it had a hole on your left bum with a R49.99 price tag, the yellow color was too bright for my eyes, and I prayed it was a coincidence that MY BROTHER had just borrowed R50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for  R35 million, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a cent from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my BROTHER Stephen was born Stephanie (a female). I hope that's not a problem for you.

From Gerallt.

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