Monday, March 14, 2011

Men & women

One for the guys:

The RULES as written by Men
Rule # 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9: Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
Rule # 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

How Men Can Make Women Happy - The Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replaced the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out and by her extra-light pantyliners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspecious noise at night: 0
It turns out to be nothing: 0
It turns out to be something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It is her pet dog/cat: -10

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay for a while, then go and chat with a college buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

You go with a gal pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And she drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED: -15

You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Death Cop 9: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too": -800

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
You listen for over 30 minutes: +5
Without looking at the TV once: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
Any other response: -20

Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Now for the ladies

10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat Clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other Women!

Women's Problems
- MENtal illness
- MENstrual cramps
- MENtal breakdown
- MENopause
- GUYnecologist
- And when we have real trouble, it's a.....HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter
Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: Size does matter.

[Your name here]

15 pieces of advice for women regarding men:

   1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
   2. What do you do when your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door behind him.
   3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
   4. Never let your man's mind wander. Its too small to be out on it's own.
   5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyways.
   6. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
   7. The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
   8. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are do-it-yourself types.
   9. The best way to get a man to do something is to say he's too old for it.
  10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
  12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
  13. If he asks what kind of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
  14. Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at him.
  15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

From Gerallt.

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